its been along time since i felt the rain upon my head
Written at 7:10 pm on Aug. 02, 2004
Something I never thought would happen, has happened. It has been proven that im not totally crazy, it has been proven that sometimes I actually do know what im talking about, and it has been proven that Red has feelings for me. The same guy who i was in love with 2 years ago without a single stitch of feelings returned, the same guy who i wrote endless and endless entries about, the one that took up most of my thoughts through out the day and night, has feelings for me. I almost don’t even believe it. I was practically in love with him, and had NO chance with him. He was my senior, and now, I guess he’s my equal. Who would have thought that this would have happened? No one. They all thought I was crazy. It sucks I cant prove them all wrong by telling them, but I cant tell anyone. Anyone at all. And I don’t know what to do.
I went to the town where he lives, about an hour away, to see a show. I stayed with him that night, and the next day we drove up to camp together for a counselor overnighter thing. I drove his drunkass home from the concert and once we got back to his apartment we crashed out on the bed talking and flirting like usual, and all of a sudden he asks if i like him, i respond with "of course i like you" while in my head thinking "oh shit oh shit oh shit" then he says, "no i don’t mean it like that, i mean, do you LIKE me" at this point im thinking, "of course you don’t mean it like that, no one asks that question meaning it like that, my answer is a complete stall tactic." Anyways, i eventually just come out with it, and tell him yes i do, and then kissed me. oh gawd did he kiss me. I returned asked him how he felt about me, and he replied with something along the lines of, im attracted to you, we connect really well, and im intrigued by it, but i don’t think it would ever work for many different reasons (all of which there is pretty much nothing for us to do about, by the way, and are all true). he says, after we stop making out, that we should just play the night by ear and see how it goes. I agree. Well, needless to say, all we did that night was talk a bit and make out a fair bit more. So now it was all out in the open. The next day we were fine, not weird, had a pretty good drive up, talked about what happened and how we felt, and a lot more. He actually didn’t remember a lot of what happened the night before in the making out department, but said he remembered all of what we talked about and still meant everything he said, that he was attracted to me, felt we connected really well, but didn’t think it would work.
I don’t even know how to explain how i feel about it all. I am excited it happened because well, i made out with a guy who i had been practically in love with, i know im not crazy now for thinking that he might like me, i think it could happen again, and i now know how he feels. Im not happy about what happened because i have a boyfriend, he’s right that it probably wouldn’t work, and the fact that we both know that i feel more strongly for him than he does me.
I have been thinking about breaking up with K2 for about a month now, and I think that this has all pushed it over the edge and I really need to do it, but im scared. My life for the past 7 months has revolved around him. I practically lived with him at one point for goodness sakes. Most all of my friends are mutual friends of both of ours, and on top of that, I don’t want to hurt him and I don’t want to loose him. He is one of the greatest people I know, but I don’t see our relationship going any further. I figure if I can feel the way I do for Red about someone other than my boyfriend, its about time to breakup with the boyfriend. I just don’t know how to do it. I really do love K2, but I don’t love him like that anymore. The sad thing is, and its really really sad, I almost don’t feel bad for cheating on him. I have never cheated on anyone in my life, and I never ever thought I would, but I cheated on him, and I really don’t feel THAT bad about it. I feel bad about not feeling bad, and im disappointed in myself for cheating on someone, but I’m really not that sorry that I did it. Im scared to see how my life is going to change, because I can see it changing drastically. I can imagine loosing a bunch of really great people because, technically, they are his friends first, and I don’t want to loose any of them. And I don’t want to loose him. I really don’t know what to do about all this.
I want to spend more time with Red, and something tells me he wants to spend more time with me, but I don’t know about any of it. I feel like im going to fuck my life over by breaking up with K2 and I am going to get jack shit from Red as well. This is the most confused and most sad/scared I have been in a very long time.