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Written at 3:22 am on Mar. 30, 2004
I wonder when the next time is that I will feel the way for someone else as I did for k. right now it seems that boys are finding me attractive for some reason. This year I have had more boys in and out of my life than all the previous years put together, but still I don’t care intensely for any of them. I have fun with K2, and I do miss him when its been a while since I have seen or talked to him, but I don’t see a future with us at all, and sadly I don’t care for him half as much as I did with K. K and I were cosmic. It was like we were meant for each other. He was all I ever wanted and he was an instant best friend. I cared so deeply for him in such a short amount of time, and I wonder if I will ever ever ever feel that way again. Its funny, after you get your heart broken you stand on guard much more than you did before. I was always one to really really FALL for those I liked, but now, it seems I fall for no one. I definitely have a guard up and I wonder when the next time someone will penetrate that guard will be.
It saddens me to think that K and I will never really be friends again. Sure we will do the hey, easy conversation, thing, but its like that time in our lives never existed. I wonder if he even remembers that I am that same girl. Every once in a while I like to jar his memory and remind him of a time we happily shared. I wonder if that has any affect what so ever.
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I wonder what would happen if I didn’t talk to my parents or listen to what they said, took their advice or listen to the morals and responsibilities they instilled in me, for a whole year. I wonder what would happen to my life. Would I fuck it up or would it turn out exactly how I would want my life to be. If I followed all my dreams that my parents have never supported, became who I want to be, and did what I personally thought was right, I wonder if things would work. The only reason I am where I am is because this is where my parents always told me I should be, and wanted me to be. I don’t like to disappoint them, and believe me I have done my fair share of that, so I did what they wanted, and am failing at it. what if I did drop out of college and become a hair stylist? would they be right and I would make absolutely no money and people of the world would look down on me? Would I fail miserably and not be able to make a life for myself? or would I be just fine, making well enough money to support myself and be happy? would I be right or would they? maybe next year I have to follow my dream. Maybe I should go to cosmetology school and become a stylist, just to see if that would work for me. Maybe they would be right, but at least I tried. I don’t want to live my whole life wondering what would have happened if... I don’t think I could do that to myself.
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I don’t know how I am going to make it the rest of this semester. I am so far behind in all of my work, I am failing one of my classes and don’t see any way of me making it up because I missed so much that I no longer know what’s going on. I could get the teacher to drop me, but then I am down to 2 classes. 2 classes. I already feel down for only taking 3, but 2? I live in a dorm on campus, I am a student, but taking 2 classes? that’s just sad... if I was a part time student, living at home, with a job, that would be absolutely no problem for me, but on campus, in the dorm, without a job? that’s just sad. But I don’t see anyway AT ALL to catch up in that class. I honestly don’t. this is depressing.