-
Written at 1:47 am on Feb. 04, 2006
It’s terribly sad when you watch a small, untainted, child, and realize that their own hopes, ideals, and innocence, are slowly escaping from them. The moment when they realize that their daddy is not a super hero, and their mother is not the woman whose pure kiss can make your boo-boo’s go away, is never a happy one to see. What is even worse than this, however, is when you can see it in yourself.
Tonight, I reflected on the things that I have learned to be true. Treat others as you would like to be treated, there is no one you can trust but yourself, and even that is only half the time, and most importantly, love is not all you need. Sadly, Mr. Lennon was gravely mistaken. For the past several years I have believed this statement to be true. The idea that if you love everyone, love will come to you, and that love really is all that you need, has been my Star of Bethlehem. But tonight it occurred to me that this is merely the specks of innocence left in a woman who is losing her hope quicker than she should be. I’m twenty years old, I shouldn’t have a bitter and vengeful view on the world yet, I am way too young for that. But tonight, as I thought, it came to me that my ideals are in fact false. There are things in this world that can replace love. Does love really make the world go round? No, power and money do. Don’t try to tell me that Bill Clinton loved his wife as he had Miss Lewinsky suck him off. Don’t try and tell me that he had much love for anything besides the seat behind that desk in the oval office that meant that he ran the free world. No, love wasn’t in that room, that day, and he seems to be doing just fine. Love isn’t all you need, and I suppose that is a good thing, because it sure is damn hard to find.
I want to hold onto the hope that love is all you need, but when it comes down to it, which ever person I have placed my love in, has sincerely and repeatedly let me down. As I should, I keep placing my love in those people hoping to one day truly feel it in return, but instead I feel refused. All I ever have in the end is a broken self. My heart and soul really can’t take very many more 90 mile an hour car crashes. I have been through quite a few of them and have really taken damage to my innocence and my ability to remain positive. Every time another crack is placed in my heart a little piece of my passion and virtue falls away never to be found again, and I am afraid I’m running out. So what do I do? Do I become cold and selective, making people complete an obstacle course proving that they are worthy of my love, or do I keep giving of my heart to others until I have nothing left and become a shell of a person who has been rebuffed so many times she has nothing left to give. I don’t care for either of these options.